hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
