i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
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I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
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Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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