Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
