haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
