Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
