I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
