In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We talked him into tasing himself.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
