I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
