I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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