Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
