Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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