If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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