We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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