its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
