Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
