Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
