WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
