I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
