Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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