Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
