I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
