do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Drake has all the answers
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
