my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
don't judge my taste in strippers
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
