i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
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you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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