i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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