youre lurking in front of me
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
