If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
