On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
