Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
