I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
