Swine flu. Run for my life!
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
