I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
