Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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