Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
