last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize