You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
