he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
