I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it because I queefed?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
