Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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