So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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