I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
