I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
