Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just blew my weed a kiss
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
