1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
