actually, I'm a sock model
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
