shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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