I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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