Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
