I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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