My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
