when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
