sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
