The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
