You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
