why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
