got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
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My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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