I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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