There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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