bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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