i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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