You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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