Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
