i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
